On the bus ride home…

Sometimes I feel like I’m not capable of doing anything right. Or well, either. There has been far too many unproductive days that the hole I’ve dug for myself seems too deep to climb out of.

My mom once asked me, are you sure you’re ready for marriage? As in ready, mentally?

Now I’m not sure if I have ever been a fully functioning, contributing adult. Perhaps I have allowed myself to be stuck in ‘delayed adolescence’? Too much daydreaming, too much procrastinating, too much ‘no mood to do anything’, too much ‘do whatever I feel like doing, even though it’s neither important nor necessary nor urgent’?

I wake up every work day, wishing I didn’t have to wake up at all. Time never seems enough for me, yet the moment time frees up in my schedule I refuse to use it to do what I have to be doing,  to avoid career suicide. I let myself get distracted by so many unimportant, unnecessary, un-urgent things.

And now I find myself turning to food for comfort again.

How long has it been since I smiled genuinely (instead of nervously, wryly, sarcastically) at work? Days? Weeks? Months?

They say you’re supposed to get better with time and experience. It seems to me it’s been like a downward spiral since I first started close to four years ago.


4 thoughts on “On the bus ride home…

  1. One is never ready for marriage, for children, for death, for anything. People who expect you to be ‘ready’ for something are people who have preconceived ideas on what life SHOULD be about (e.g. marriage should be passing on your guardianship and accountability for your sins from your parents to another man — boredi’msobored – or having children means you should already have 40K in your bank account, etc.)

    The point of life is to make the best decisions, with what you know now. If you know marriage to be a good thing for your life in general, then do it. Often we escape unscathed, sometimes we escape with bruises.

    Life is not about whether we are on the safe side. I always like to believe that God will judge us on our efforts, not on our stand.

    • Come to think of it, my mom’s question came after my trying to get the mister to consider our own marriage contract reached her ears.. (that became a big hoo-ha that makes me cringe remembering it)

      And I believe she thought I was trying to ‘dodge’ what should be my future ‘wifely duties’ (when it should be shared duties because after all we’d be sharing our lives and the same space).

      On the other hand her question also throws light upon my readiness, in terms of maturity, to deal with sharing a living space with someone else and the responsibilities of living on my own.

      This post was more about my current hate-state for my job which seems to be engulfing my whole being.

  2. At the risk of repeating myself, no one is ever ready! 🙂 When I hear this it reminds me of people who say they will start praying when their faith is strong enough, and yet, prayer is the way to strengthen faith.

    If you are able to communicate well, and have an openness to living together, then you’ll accept that the negotiation process is part of (married) life. It’s not about knowing all your roles and being able to perfectly implement them, it’s about being able to say “hey I don’t like the way you fold the clothes” in a way that doesn’t lead to sulking, fights, or divorce. Haha.

    Anyway, would love to hear about the hoo-ha.

    And sending you love and the peace of mind to think out your career! ❤

    • Ah yes… After all, experience is the best teacher, no? And making mistakes is one way to learn, isn’t it? Thanks for reminding me of this Sya. 🙂

      I think the mister and I can ‘talk things out’ pretty ok, as long as we are talking face-to-face or on the phone. It’s through text messages that we can be the meanest to each other, unfortunately (especially unfortunate since it’s almost our default medium of communication, except for the rare meetups and even rarer phone call). But we have negotiated before and I’m looking forward to more negotiations as we start married life. We are, after all, each other’s best friends (read: also worst enemies when fighting haha).

      The hoo-ha? That’s for another post (private, maybe).

      And thanks for the positive thoughts! I have alternatives in mind, we’ll just have to see if I want to give it another shot or just do something else altogether.

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