Sometimes I feel like I’m not capable of doing anything right. Or well, either. There has been far too many unproductive days that the hole I’ve dug for myself seems too deep to climb out of.
My mom once asked me, are you sure you’re ready for marriage? As in ready, mentally?
Now I’m not sure if I have ever been a fully functioning, contributing adult. Perhaps I have allowed myself to be stuck in ‘delayed adolescence’? Too much daydreaming, too much procrastinating, too much ‘no mood to do anything’, too much ‘do whatever I feel like doing, even though it’s neither important nor necessary nor urgent’?
I wake up every work day, wishing I didn’t have to wake up at all. Time never seems enough for me, yet the moment time frees up in my schedule I refuse to use it to do what I have to be doing, to avoid career suicide. I let myself get distracted by so many unimportant, unnecessary, un-urgent things.
And now I find myself turning to food for comfort again.
How long has it been since I smiled genuinely (instead of nervously, wryly, sarcastically) at work? Days? Weeks? Months?
They say you’re supposed to get better with time and experience. It seems to me it’s been like a downward spiral since I first started close to four years ago.