Sometimes, I feel so alone.
Alone in my beliefs. Alone in the way I view things. Alone in the way I wish to live my life in the future.
Alone in the way I have to face people who cannot comprehend the way I view things. Who think the way I view things is just plain wrong. Who, in all their well-meaning concern, worry for my future chapter in life and worry that the way I view things would make that chapter devoid of peace, harmony and happiness.
And now, now I am wondering whether I have made and am making the right choice. Whether I have made and are making decisions with the right intentions, or because I am just following the natural flow of things, or out of fear.
Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Fear of taking a different path that I have never considered, never even thought would be one for me. Fear of never being able to be honest to myself and stand by my beliefs should my status remain unchanged. Fear that if so, I would be compelled to live a life that is an outward lie, incompatible with what I am on the inside. Fear that I would have wasted precious years of my life if it all did not come to this new beginning.
Because if I am doing this out of fear, then it might not be the best decision and it might make things worse rather than better. And it wouldn’t be fair.
Sometimes, I feel like maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe, all those people with their well-meaning concern are right. That I wouldn’t have peace, harmony and happiness if I didn’t and wouldn’t conform. And it wouldn’t be fair.
It wouldn’t be fair to drag another who doesn’t have the same beliefs. Who doesn’t share in the way I view things. Who is not comfortable with the way I wish to live my life in the future.
But then again, I could always compromise. I could always go along. I could always stop believing, or at least accept that I am alone in my beliefs and not expect them to understand. I could always stop viewing things the way I have been viewing things, or at least not vocalise it.
Or could I?