Sometimes, I feel so alone.

Alone in my beliefs. Alone in the way I view things. Alone in the way I wish to live my life in the future.

Alone in the way I have to face people who cannot comprehend the way I view things. Who think the way I view things is just plain wrong. Who, in all their well-meaning concern, worry for my future chapter in life and worry that the way I view things would make that chapter devoid of peace, harmony and happiness.

And now, now I am wondering whether I have made and am making the right choice. Whether I have made and are making decisions with the right intentions, or because I am just following the natural flow of things, or out of fear.

Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Fear of taking a different path that I have never considered, never even thought would be one for me. Fear of never being able to be honest to myself and stand by my beliefs should my status remain unchanged. Fear that if so, I would be compelled to live a life that is an outward lie, incompatible with what I am on the inside. Fear that I would have wasted precious years of my life if it all did not come to this new beginning.

Because if I am doing this out of fear, then it might not be the best decision and it might make things worse rather than better. And it wouldn’t be fair.

Sometimes, I feel like maybe I deserve to be alone. Maybe, all those people with their well-meaning concern are right. That I wouldn’t have peace, harmony and happiness if I didn’t and wouldn’t conform. And it wouldn’t be fair.

It wouldn’t be fair to drag another who doesn’t have the same beliefs. Who doesn’t share in the way I view things. Who is not comfortable with the way I wish to live my life in the future.

But then again, I could always compromise. I could always go along. I could always stop believing, or at least accept that I am alone in my beliefs and not expect them to understand. I could always stop viewing things the way I have been viewing things, or at least not vocalise it.

Or could I?


3 thoughts on “Alone

  1. You should remain true to yourself and be yourself, not conforming to the people around you. There’s a difference between compromising and conforming to others’ beliefs, words, actions…
    Ask yourself this: Do you just want to settle in life, or do you want to achieve doing things that you set out to achieve in life and lead a satisfying life (by the rights ways of Allah of course…)? Rid yourself of the fears, and live your life to the fullest.

    P.S: I hope I didn’t get out of topic here. Hee…

    • Thank you for your comment. I’m currently going through a bit of a rough patch with people around me, and with myself even, hence this post. I’ve got lots of thinking and reflection to do..

      Btw, just read about what you went through. I hope everything’s okay and will remain ok for you and your family. May God keep all of us under His protection and mercy.

  2. i’ve felt this way before. probably even wrote some of the same words in my journal.

    just do your own thing, maybe people will understand, maybe they will ostracise you. but only you are in charge of your own integrity and will answer for yourself. at the end, we are accountable for ourselves (unless you’re for the ‘husband being accountable for wife n kids’, which i dont think so?), and i’m sure on the final day (80:33, 31:33)

    i firmly believe that we are rewarded for our efforts, because i don’t think God is an accountant. i totally disagree with doing things to be ‘on the safe side’. i don’t believe there is a ‘safe’ or ‘right’ side unless we make it so. it’s scary, but it will open up your mind to a much richer life and spirit.

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