Just because..

Just because I cry,

It doesn’t mean I have lost faith

Just because I cry,

It doesn’t mean that you have to stop it

Just because I cry,

It doesn’t mean you have to know why right away

Just because I cry,

It doesn’t mean you have to suggest solutions to fix it

Just because I cry,

I would appreciate you being patient and just letting me be

Just because I cry,

I would appreciate, literally, your shoulder for me to cry on (and a hug, even)

Just because I cry,

I would appreciate you stopping whatever it is that you were doing, wherever it is that you were heading to, just to be here with me (especially since whatever and wherever it is, is really not urgent and not that important)

Just because I cry,

I wish you’d suspend judgement about how distanced you think I am from God, and just be there ready to just listen when I’m finally ready to talk

Just because I cry,

I wish you’d suspend your worldview and your approach to dealing with despair, and instead open your heart and mind to just listen to me with empathy and compassion

And instead, what do you do?

You declare that for every problem, there is a solution and God (in your words it has to be Allah, not the word God) will show the way (as if I didn’t already know that).

You declare that I should stop paying attention to the source of my despair.

You declare where you are going and what you are doing, and that I should follow “to find peace and calm” (as if it was that easy and that automatic, like the snap of a finger).

And when I refuse (because who with swollen and puffy eyes from crying would want to go out and face the world?) you declare, in an unfeeling, impatient manner that once I was done crying and doing whatever it is that I was doing while crying, I was to go read the Quran.

All that, without even coming close to me, finding a way to sit down beside me, patting my shoulder… or at least offering me a piece of tissue paper.

Is it any wonder that the thought of having kids fills me with doubt? That I don’t feel confident I could be a good mother? That I fear messing up my kid the way I have been messed up?

2 thoughts on “Just because..

  1. a friend told me that it was only because she realised how her upbringing affected her that she could feel confident about not doing the same things to her daughter. she parents way differently🙂 we are not doomed to our heritage. our parents do the best they can, with what they had, so we must also do the best we can with what we have🙂 inshallah🙂

    • Thanks Sya for sharing. Oh wells, I guess it’s not just my upbringing that makes me have doubts about having children. I guess I don’t feel I’m emotionally stable yet to be a mother and I don’t think it would be fair to bring children into the world when I’ve still got issues with myself that are not settled.

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