Six

As of yesterday, 2nd November 2013, it is officially 6 weeks to my wedding. I missed the 1-year countdown mark because life unexpected happened. I missed the 100-day countdown mark, because, well, I was not counting down. I don’t even know exactly which date this 100-day countdown mark is.

And now, 6 weeks to the wedding I am thinking it’s probably too late to go set up that wedding countdown widget. Plus, I have absolutely no idea where to find it and how to add it to this blog, so kirim salam ajelah.

I am not sure why I think of the countdown in weeks instead of days. Macam mengandung pulak, nak kira ikut minggu. Perhaps, just like a pregnancy, when so many things are going on and developing each week, so has my weeks leading up to the wedding been pregnant filled with so many activities and so much development.

And this week?

Oh boy, what a turbulent, rollercoaster ride of a week it has been for me. I’d like to give a breakdown by day like I previously did in Strike #1.5, but I have to make this quick because today is Day 7 of this week and yet more wedding-related tasks are waiting for me!

So here’s how the week went:

Monday saw me being fickle-minded about the guestlist, yet again, but then I finally made a decision.

Tuesday saw me making that trek to the wild wild west to collect my wedding invites, a 4-hour one there and back via public transport! (And I went for my medical appointment and the doctor gave me good news! No need for cholesterol-lowering medication, until the next checkup, alhamdulillah.) That night, I began writing names of guests down on the cards and doing just a bit of personalisation for the envelopes.

Just like the start of a rollercoaster ride, Monday and Tuesday was slow and steady, but picking up speed as the ride went up.
 
Wednesday was when it went downhill.

It felt like it came all of a sudden, without warning.

In retrospect, however, I did receive a warning in the form of a funny gut feeling that something bad was going to happen. I didn’t like the feeling and I made the mistake of trying to just push it aside and out of my consciousness.

In retrospect, I should have listened to that funny gut feeling. I should have seen it like a flag waving from the side of the tracks as an indication of what was about to come; a foreshadowing, as they call it in the study of literature, that things were going to go wrong.

In retrospect, had I listened to that funny gut feeling, I could have stepped on the brakes, taken a moment to think, and switched tracks so that the ride could go on a gentler course instead of going down a steep incline.

I said some words that should not have been said. I reacted impulsively with my ego instead of responding humbly with my heart and mind. In return, I got back what I gave.

Thursday the ride went faster and faster downhilll that I feared that this is it: It has triggered the catch that would align the tracks and bring me to a wild, unknown, scary territory instead of the straight path that I had been envisioning for the past decade. That it has gone beyond my control and no matter how I plead, I couldn’t switch tracks.

Friday morning the ride went dangerously fast that it came crashing down and swerved off the tracks.

Or at least, that’s how I felt at the time.

I felt like there was no point to my life anymore. Not that I did not want to live anymore, but that my life spirit had gone and left me, and in its wake, I would live a life with an emptiness and hollow ache in my heart.

I cried my heart out. I sobbed and sniffed quietly at first, then the sobs grew loud and heavy, and I found it hard to breathe and I began to choke and cough. I felt like my head was going to explode with all the thoughts that came from all directions and collided and went off in different directions. You could say I went hysterical.

And then, when I was done processing the pain, and when I finally accepted that no, this is not the end of the world no matter what happened. And that yes, whatever happens, no matter how bad it seems, it is meant to happen and it is meant for me to grow and it could just be the beginning of a totally different chapter. When I finally accepted and embraced that I don’t have to have the reality that I envisioned for the past decade, and that I could create a new reality, I stopped crying.

I stopped closing in into myself and my pain. I opened my eyes and looked around and realised I did not crash. The ride had dropped in speed suddenly, but it was still moving. It was still on the tracks. And it fact, it was slowly and steadily heading back to the direction of that straight path.

I had thought of the alternative as a wild, unknown, scary territory, but in what felt was the lowest point in my life, I managed to change my lenses and see it with new perspective. It is unknown, yes, but unknown in the sense that it is a territory to be explored and where new adventures and discovery would take place.

As for the straight path too, it is not necessarily straight and safe; there are some bumps along the way and sometimes even sharp bends and steep drops. But just as there are sharp bends and steep drops, there would be gentle, gradual climbs and winding curves with scenic views.

And it is within my power to step on the brakes, any time the ride is approaching a sharp bend or a steep drop, so that I could switch tracks or avoid a crash. I just have to give it 10 seconds. Give it 10 seconds to think so that I could respond instead of reacting.

By Friday night, I got some help to remove the stones and twigs in the tracks, so the ride could go smoother for me.

And while I still had knots in my heart, by Saturday morning I slowly managed to unravel them one by one.

The rest of Saturday I went through the motions of helping my mom make the potpourri bunga rampai. And in the evening we went to Daiso and found some stuff to buy but in the end did not because the queue was too long, and then we went to  Ikea with my eldest sister to buy curtains and some decorative items for my bridal room.

Hah okay, that previous paragraph is a little anti-climactic to the rollercoaster ride I was describing.

And it all may sound unnecessarily cryptic to anyone out there who is reading, but I write first and foremost for myself, for memory’s sake.

And etched in my memory, I hope it would be.

Til the next (hopefully happier) post.🙂

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