Alone

Sometimes, I feel so alone.

Alone in my beliefs. Alone in the way I view things. Alone in the way I wish to live my life in the future.

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Ramadan Reflections #1 – Past and Present

I was doing the dishes after buka (breaking of fast meal; I can’t bring myself to use the word iftar because it just seems pretentious to me) several nights ago and it crossed my mind that if I ever have children, two is a good number, because right at that moment, I was cleaning up for a 4-member family consisting of 2 parents and 2 children. And I was quite happy to do it, as opposed to when I had to clean up after a 7-member family.

And then, my thoughts went to a comparison between how it was then, and how it is now. Yes, if you think that that’s quite a number of thoughts to have while doing the dishes, let me admit here that dishwashing time is the time when I daydream. Or duskdream, to be more time-appropriate.

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I don’t like the word ‘izin’

Note: I am on medical leave today because I’m sick and tired and I had a long week without much rest over the weekend because I had a 2-day marriage-related course to attend. Seriously, the government should cover all bases if they really want people to get married and start families. Since it’s compulsory for couples to go for marriage preparatory course before they get married, the government should grant them pre-marriage leave to go for it, instead of them having to sacrifice their weekend / off day to attend. This would also prove that the government genuinely wants to help increase citizen population.

That being said, here’s the post I started writing yesterday and finished today while I waited for the medication to take effect and bring me to lala land.

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The Rebellious Bride

Oh my god I am so pissed at the moment I feel like shouting using my perempuan gila naik baran voice which I have used before in my line of work.

Background:
My mom was telling me to hurry and make the booking with the caterer whose food we had just tasted on Sunday (more of that in another post).

My dad was there too when we talked. Just after I explained the items that I vaguely remember the caterer would provide at the price that is within my budget, he said something which is precisely what set me off.

The point of contention:
Bridal henna

What he said:
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Kenduri nikah kahwin

Dua hari yang lepas,keluargaku bersiap sedia untuk kenduri tahlil yang akan diadakan pada hari keesokannya. Kedua-dua makcik pakcik sepupu sebelah Mak dan Bapak dijemput hadir di kenduri tersebut. Selepas tikar terakhir siap dibentang, Mak berseloroh kepadaku,”Dah, aku dah boleh nikahkan kau besok. Habis selesai, tak payah susah-susah lagi.”

Dengan selambanya aku menjawab, “Ok boleh, tak ada masalah. Lagi murah, lagi bagus!” (Terlupa pula nak merungut, “Mak tak cakap siang-siang, kita tak jemput bakal suaminya!”)

Dan kakakku menambah, “Mak kalau buat macam tu, tentu orang fikir ada benda tak baik dah berlaku, sebab itu tiba-tiba nak dinikahkan.”

Seloroh ibu dan anak begitu membuatku terfikir: itulah masalahnya dengan orang kita. Benda yang baik (pernikahan), yang memang sepatutnya dipercepatkan kalau sudah siap dari segi kematangan dan kewangan (kewangan untuk keperluan peribadi ya, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, bukan kewangan untuk adakan majlis bak kerabat diraja atau datuk datin), sebaliknya dipandang serong andai benar-benar dipercepatkan. Kalau ikut kehendakku, buat sahaja kenduri nikah kahwin! Biar orang nak kata apa, 5 bulan kemudian kalau perut aku tak membuncit, siaplah satu-satu kena telan kata-kata sendiri.

Suatu lagi masalah orang kita: Sindrom “Apa kata orang?” atau “Tak pernah dibuat orang!” Eh, orang lain tak pernah buat, mereka punya pasallah! Aku pula nak buat, ada kacau hidup orang lain? Aku tak nak pelamin (dan duduk di pelamin selama berjam-jam), aku tak nak pakai mak andam, aku tak nak dihias untuk jadi boneka hidup yang kerjanya senyum sahaja, aku nak buat baju pengantin sendiri yang anggun tetapi cukup ringkas untuk dipakai semula, aku tak nak kuih sepuluh macam, aku tak nak jemput si polan punya makcik punya anak tiri punya laki, ada kacau hidup orang? Orang-orang ini semua, sesiapa pun mereka, ada nak tolong aku bayarkan duit rumah dan perabot dan makan minum elektrik aku laki bini sehari-hari dan bil hospital kalau aku nak beranak?